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American Hospital Association Heroically Fights for Patients and Physicians (Just Don't Ask How)

In a move that can only be described as utterly selfless and entirely motivated by the welfare of the American public, the American Hospital Association (AHA) has once again donned its capes and stepped into the spotlight. Armed with the purest intentions and a large army of lobbyists, these noble warriors have declared their unwavering dedication to patients and physicians nationwide.

"At the AHA, we believe in one thing above all else: the health and well-being of the American people," announced AHA spokesperson Buxley Goldman-Smith III from behind a podium made entirely of gold bricks. "That's why we're committed to ensuring that hospitals can charge whatever they want for band-aids and Tylenol. After all, you can't put a price on quality care—except we can, and we do, frequently."

The AHA's recent triumph in its ongoing battle for justice involves fighting against the nefarious concept of site-neutral payments. For the uninitiated, site-neutral payments would mean that Medicare pays the same amount for a procedure, whether performed in a lavish hospital or a modest clinic. Naturally, the AHA couldn't stand for such an egregious affront to fairness.

"Equal pay for equal work? Sounds like communism to me," snorted AHA Chief Lobbyist Cashius Maximus. "Why should a procedure cost the same at a small clinic as at our state-of-the-art hospital, complete with a five-star cafeteria and valet parking? Our patients expect the best; by best, we mean the most expensive."

The AHA's tireless efforts to maintain the current reimbursement structure have not gone unnoticed. Thanks to their heroic lobbying, hospitals can continue to charge anywhere from two to ten times more for the same procedures that independent practices perform. This, of course, leads to the inevitable consolidation of those pesky private practices. "Why should patients have the inconvenience of choice?" quipped Maximus. "Consolidation is the future, and the future is more expensive!"

In a move that surely warms the cockles of the heart, the AHA has also been a fierce advocate for the employment of physicians—under their roof, naturally. "We care deeply about physicians," explained Goldman-Smith. "That's why we want them to be part of our family. Our huge, very expensive family, where they can practice medicine the way we dictate, for the good of the patients, of course."

With premiums soaring to new heights, patients everywhere can rest easy knowing that their extra dollars are going to a worthy cause: maintaining the AHA's pristine record of profit. "Higher premiums mean better care," declared Goldman-Smith with a wink and a nod. "Or at least, they mean more money for us, which is essentially the same thing."

The AHA's altruism doesn't stop there. They've even launched a new campaign to reassure the public of their noble intentions. "Our slogan, 'For the Patients and Physicians,' encapsulates our mission," said Goldman-Smith. "Just remember, we’re here for you—as long as you're paying."

As the AHA continues its valiant struggle against the evils of affordable care and independent medical practices, we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief. In these challenging times, it's comforting to know that an organization exists solely to champion hospitals' rights to charge exorbitant fees.

Here's to the American Hospital Association: truly a beacon of self-interest—selflessness—in the healthcare industry.

-Rojas out